I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize