So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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