I wish they made helmets for livers.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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