Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
