So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Holy shit dude........stairs
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
