I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
