Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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