My friends, they love my intelligence
wanna go halves on a baby?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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