I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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