meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
