she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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