This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize