My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
