and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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