While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
