The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize