Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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