i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
