Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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