I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
