I think I won the penis lottery.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
