Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have aggressive nipples.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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