I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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