there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
