If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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