I will die if light touches me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
