If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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