Don't make out with my wife yet
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
