I love black thongs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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