My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
