Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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