I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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