I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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