not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
