Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
