man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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