you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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