You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have fence marks all over my body
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
