I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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