awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need water and some morals
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