we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
