That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
