Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
