i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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