it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
