Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
