So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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