We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
