He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
