The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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