all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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