you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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