i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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