Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
we're so committed to being not committed
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize