this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
