We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
