No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How does it feel to date your dad?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize