why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
