i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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