found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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