I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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