dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is the high leading the old right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
