She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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