I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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