He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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