If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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