Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
BRING THE BAGELS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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