So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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