Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
