The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize