My hand turned me down
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
