Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
