dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
