My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
